Blogging for Ana

I wrote this piece a year ago for a university assessment. It is on the online Pro-Anorexic/Bulimic movements which you may of heard about. I interviewed twenty different girls between the ages of fourteen to twenty-eight with the majority being sixteen to twenty. They were so candid and honest with me which was both beautiful and shocking. By now I have lost contact with most of them, but I hope they are still doing ok.

“Blogging for Ana”

Lucy* looks at me in disbelief as I place my caramel-latte on the table in front of us. She glares at it, almost frightened of the frothy sweetened milk. I can see her mind ticking over as she counts and converts calories. “350 calories that is.” she says pointing to it. “That's like 40 minutes running to burn off you know?” She looks up disapprovingly, attempting to drill guilt into me. She's right, I probably should know better. Yet being a recovered anorexic and her still in the depths of the obsession, I chose to ignore her comments and revel in the pleasure that is enjoying food. A practice so feared by those with eating disorders.

I can't blame her for being rude, she thinks she means well. She's trying to keep me in check. That’s what members of the online Pro-Ana/Mia movement do – encourage through fasts and discourage from food. The difference is that I am no longer a member.

The Pro-Ana/Mia movements are online communities used by mainly young girls with anorexia ('Ana') and bulimia ('Mia') to support each other not through recovery, but in their efforts to sink deeper into their disorders. Through websites such as 'Fading Obsession' and 'Ana's Underground Grotto', members share tricks on weightloss, how to hide their disorder from family and doctors, and how to avoid the 'Dreaded Road to Recovery'. Each blog has strict rules to abide by. Members must participate in group fasts, daily post their weight, BMI, the calories they have consumed and expelled and their chosen eating disorder. Extra credit for having multiple eating disorders and self-harming, and a family forced hospital visit as the Mecca to prove that you are a real ‘Ana Angel’. Some blogs are so bitchy that members who fail to abide by the rules or to lose weight face rejection from the community, left once again with no one who understands why they're dying to be thin.

The nicknames 'Ana' and 'Mia' that the girls have given the diseases portrays each as a close friend rather than a life threatening mental illness. For many girls this has allowed the disease to take on a persona. 15 year old Irish member dreamseer09 says “it helps to feel like she's your best friend which quite often she is. I guess it helps to feel... more sane.”

The blogs are not only used for support but the members use each other as motivation and competition against each other. Each blog has a leader - the creator of the blog - who is usually the sickliest. She comments on the other girls efforts and posts tips on the easiest foods to vomit, to put water weights in your underwear when being weighed by doctors, and acceptable foods to eat during cravings such as watered down vegetable stock.

The blogs are predominantly visited by girls. The few male members tend to have a higher rate of staying for long periods whereas many girls tend to come and go. The longer a member has been posting the more respect they gain in the community, “like veterans”. Lucy explains that she and other long term members “have less respect for the smaller girls. Not the ones who are small because of their eating disorder, but the one who are new to these communities to lose 10 pounds for bikini season. These are the girls that make me ashamed of having an eating disorder because they are associated with us.”

Whilst the 'Wannarexics' only stay briefly and others post for years, there is one consistent theme running through each of the millions of Pro-Ana/Mia blogs from 'Bones_Not_Beauty' to 'Mia_Mums' – an intense fear of fat. This fear causes them to strive for nothing less than painfully thin. 16 year old English member dissolving_01 explains that some members are so afraid of gaining weight that they become “so consumed by Ana and Mia [that they] throw up blood... [until] they're on the verge of dying – that's scary”. But the reality is, many members truly would rather die than be fat. “I've never really had my life planned out” Lucy says “and dying at a young age doesn't scare me. I know I am slowly killing myself, and I'm not scared... which in itself makes me scared...”

To stay motivated through fasts, all websites have 'Thinspiration - Bones' - the pornography for eaten disorder sufferers. ‘Bones’ sections bare warnings of offensive viewing after the link and shaded photos of grotesquely skeletal women follow. They are the idols of the real Ana Angels and illustrate the extent that this fear of fat can cause. “Emaciation appeals to me for so many reasons.” Lucy explains. “I love the human skeleton... I think of it as a beautiful sculpture weighted down and overtaken by ugly bulges of pale squishy clay. I adore the frail look and I can't stand being able to pinch fat anywhere on my body. And because of this, I have accepted that I know I cannot stop here. I don't want someone to hug me and feel love-handles or see me walk with thighs that jiggle... The idea of fat under my skin makes me want to cry and cut it out. I know it doesn't happen like this... but if I could, I would take a knife and slice open my skin and let the fat pour out... I really would...”

Whilst an emancipated woman is the poster boy for society's fear of eating disorders, spokesperson of the Eating Disorders Foundation Lydia Turner explains that this is stopping us from helping sufferers. “75% of people with eating disorders do not meet the strict criteria for anorexia or bulimia...yet this taps into the mistaken belief that an eating disorder is only serious if a person is 'too thin' which is rubbish... A majority of sufferers of eating disorders are in the healthy weight range. This doesn't mean that they're not at risk of heart attack, bowl rupture... suicidal ideation, self-harm... and numerous other problems.”

In a backlash against the Pro-Ana/Mia movement, an Anti-Pro-Ana/Mia movement has started. Whilst many Anti-Pro-Ana/Mia blogs are welcoming and mainly encourage recovery, others are so shocked and disgusted by the girls desperation to be thin that they flood the Pro-Ana/Mia blogs with abusive, hateful messages. This only makes the members feel more Othered, clinging onto the blogs as their only connection to girls experiencing the same self hatred, now being expressed by other people. It is because of this reason, that they believe that there is truly no one else who understands that they view the blogs as so harmless. 17 year old member Weightless92 from America says the blogs “give some of their members who feel otherwise alone people with whom they can communicate. They're like large support groups. Sure, the goal's not necessarily a healthy one, but it prevents some from going completely batty on their own, and others making mistakes that could lead to an even earlier death.”

Yet Turner explains that it is common for sufferers to so desperately believe this whilst they are suffering from the most fatal psychiatric illnesses. “People with eating disorders are often battling other mental illnesses, usually depression and anxiety, so how can we expect them to have an objective view of these sites which just reinforces the very illness that is causing them to think illogically?” The Eating Disorders Foundations preferred method of addressing the blogs is to shut them down completely.

Many Pro-Ana/Mia blogs were shut down in the year 2000 after some negative media reports. However it is this negative press itself which informed so many potential members around the world of the Pro-Ana/Mia movements’ existence. 17 out of the 20 girls questioned for this article found out about the movement through negative news stories on it. Now groups of the community such as LoveYou2TheBones are boasting “The Second Wave of Pro-Ana/Mia”. Thus the effectiveness of media addressing this issue - unfortunately including this article - can do more harm than good.

Banning the blogs would only cause the movement to go underground making it even harder to monitor, says Psychologist Jeffrey van Schie who currently studying the Pro-Ana movement. He suggests integrating health care professionals into the blogs as members to give the girls different insights so they are exploring a balanced view on the subject, and not just glorification.

Members trust each other more than they trust the advice of family, 'jealous friends' and doctors. Most groups of The Pro-Ana/Mia Community are welcoming those with weight issues who just want to talk about these insecurities without being told to 'just eat something'. Many of them want to help each other more than they want to help themselves. They want others to recover and be happy but they themselves can't face it. If you make them eat they will vomit, if you shut the blogs down they will start new ones.

Lucy stares at my latte glass, half empty. “I would like to think I have extreme self control for resisting food for so long. But essentially... I envy the girls who have enough self control to force themselves to eat and battle these thought about their bodies”. I ask if she will live happily ever after once she reaches her goal weight. “...My happy ending will always be two kilograms away”